This will be one of those deep posts and maybe sharing too much information but I need to get it out and I don't have a ton of traffic so I don't feel bad. It isn't meant to be a poor me post but more of my brain is going to explode.
warning this post makes no sense proceed with caution I just needed to write it out.
When I start to get anxious or things start to feel out of synch I become a magical thinker. For those of you who are scratching your heads saying what is she talking about allow me to explain. 1. I think my actions and thoughts can cause things bad things only to happen. Not like I am a wizard or something but and these are lame examples but I can't wear mismatched socks I fear I will cause something to happen. 2. Not only am I a magical thinker but I can also get myself into the "jinxing" cycle. If I say things are going well things will fall apart. (and let me tell you right now I want to shout yippee because I saw an amazing thing happen today)
I can't get excited about anything or it will be taken from me. If I jokingly complain about my husband something bad will happen. The worst is I feel like if I am grateful for things they will also be taken from me. So sometimes when people say "count your blessings" I am so afraid to do that because I don't want to lose anything or anyone. I am not explaining this very well and right now that is okay.
It has really come up lately because 5 years ago my husband and I heard the horrible words for the second time " I am sorry there isn't a heartbeat" We had lost our second baby. The date April 1st the weather sleet and rainy weather. Tomorrow is April first and the weather is predicted to be the same. I feel like I can't breathe and I am trying to control more than I should. You may think we should be over it by know and if you think that you can kindly keep that thought yourself. We watch friends, family members, co-workers have children and believe me we are extremely happy for them but let us have this moment.
I am struggling today and anticipating struggling tomorrow. Tomorrow we have to go to a family bday party. We both don't want to but know that we have an obligation and it will be good for us to get out.
So there you have it one of my quirks is I am a magical thinker, I believe in jinxing and I have to work hard at this demon. Today is one of those days where it is winning.
I'm so very sorry! I remember going through this with you when it happened, and how devastating it was. Others hate to see us in pain and are uncomfortable, so they try to minimize our experience. It's WRONG, but I understand why they do it. Sending much love to you!
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